Ah, the local gym; you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. If you've made a New Year's resolution to get into shape (laugh track), or simply need some pointers on how to survive during your regular workouts, here's a handy guide. Courtesy of our own workoutaholic, Jelisa Castrodale (not pictured). Follow it closely.

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By Jelisa Castrodale

I'm just back from the grocery store and as I unloaded my Teddy Grahams and EZ Cheez and other assorted artificial flavors, I realized that by the time these hot dogs expire, it will be a brand new year. We're down to the last handfuls of Oh Nine and I'm both dreading and anticipating the opportunity to crack into 2010. On one hand, I'm looking forward to using my new Kurt Warner Fumble-A-Day Calendar. On the other, January means an endless parade of people bringing their New Years Resolutions into the gym, a solid month of watching helplessly as they awkwardly straddle the elliptical machines or snag the only yoga mat that doesn't smell like a dead raccoon.

Once again we visit the world of Jelisa Castrodale, who as luck would have it was speeding toward Cleveland when she received the assignment to write about Brady Quinn and Alicia Sacramone. The serendipidous result is below.

Despite having a rad collection of R.E.M. concert t-shirts -- and a willingness to use the word rad in conversation -- I've come to the realization that I'm probably never going to date a professional athlete. If US Weekly is to be believed -- and who doesn't consider a magazine sold at Exxon stations to be a credible news source? -- athletes are only interested in dating women whose celebrity status equals their own, whether it's A-Rod and Kate Hudson, Tony Parker and Eva Longoria, or David Beckham and Skeletor.

Although these couples provide pages of flawless photos and rows of over-polished teeth, US Weekly and its checkout-line competitors don't seem to understand that this isn't exactly a new phenomenon. Ballplayers and movie stars have gone together like Tylenol and codeine since the days of DiMaggio and Monroe.

And now for your dining and dancing pleasure, it's time for the word stylings of Jelisa Castrodale. Why this woman isn't more well-known is beyond me, but it's good news for you, because she's agreed to write guest posts for us from time to time. Today's subject, as seen on Google Trends and a viral YouTube video near you; New Mexico soccer enforcer Elizabeth Lambert. Jelisa has been known to yank the unruly by their ponytails now and again, so this should be interesting.

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I'm a single, semi-employed writer, which means my days typically include sobbing and watching syndicated episodes of Law & Order. In less than sixty minutes, Law prevails, Order is restored, and the perps are sentenced to several years of county-issued outfits and metal toilets. What I've noticed -- other than the fact that I don't have any friends -- is that there are rarely female antagonists on these programs, regardless of which frequently abbreviated incarnation you're watching. I don't think it's because women don't want to kill people ... they just know what a chore it would be to clean up afterwards.

If you've flipped from TNT to ESPN, you'll know that there's nobody trying to mop up a bigger mess right now than Elizabeth Lambert. She's the twenty year-old University of New Mexico soccer player who went ape**** on the pitch two weeks ago during the Mountain West Conference tournament, earning herself an indefinite suspension from the team and a full scholarship to the Tonya Harding Finishing School for Girls.