If Tiger Woods wants a small taste of what his return to golf will be like, take heed: Here are some Stoke City soccer fans having fun with philandering Chelsea forward John Terry during Sunday's FA Cup quarterfinal match. But this should also be a heads up to all of those who would be heckling Tiger at the Masters, or wherever he winds up making his inevitable comeback. Terry (various sexy misdeeds chronicled here) scored a goal to lead his team to the 2-0 victory, and had a little fun at his tormentors' expense as he celebrated afterward.

Video following the jump.

Mark it down: Domenico Di Carlo becomes the first person ejected in European soccer competition for transgressing the new Serie A rule on blasphemy. Yep, the top Italian soccer division decrees that taking the Lord's name in vain during a match, or simply (one would assume) saying "Jesus Christ!" draws that person a special papal red card. Life of Brian, anyone?

"Look, I don't think it should be blasphemy, just say 'Jehovha.'

"You're only making it worse for yourself!"

Breaking sports news video. MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL highlights and more.

When is a high school soccer fight more than a soccer fight? Zach Windom, a player for Gulfport High, can be seen in the following video grabbing Northwest Rankin's Arlington Shirley in a headlock and pounding him with his fist, touching off a pretty wild melee and making high school soccer somewhat interesting for once. Gulfport had moments earlier taken a 1-0 lead in their Mississippi Class 6A High School state championship match in Clinton. Mississippi High School Athletic Association Associate Director Larry Thomas said the association is "gathering information about the fight," and Shirley's father said that his son ended up with a broken wrist. Should Windom be liable for medical damages? Is this a criminal case? And what's up with the ref and his girly dance when the fight first breaks out?

More video following the jump.

You know a country has gone wild over a story when they break out the first aerial video footage of an SUV on a freeway. That would be England national squad coach Fabio Capello heading to a meeting with embattled Chelsea player John Terry earlier today. The coach later announced that he had relieved Terry as captain of the national team, sending the soccer-mad nation into a tailspin. To repeat: Britain doesn't really care about Tiger Woods, but the Terry sex scandal is huge news. The soccer ball is their God, and one of their best players is constantly getting caught in the back seat of his car with 17-year-old blondes. It almost makes me want to be British. (Not really).

Come on, you knew that sooner or later there would have to be some kind of connection. Britain's biggest sex scandal and America's biggest, together at last! The London Daily Mail did some sleuthing and found an old interview that embattled, oversexed Chelsea captain John Terry did with Football Punk Magazine in September, and came up with a couple of interesting nuggets. First, Terry emphasized the importance of teammates being honest with each other, which happened to be at the same time he had started an affair with the girlfriend of now former Chelsea teammate Wayne Bridge. Then, this happened:

Terry finished the interview by saying his favourite sportsman is Tiger Woods, himself embroiled in a sex scandal after betraying his wife.

Break out the picks and shovels, we've hit a vein of pure irony.

The John Terry sex scandal is a lot like Tuesday's season premiere of Lost: It's hard to keep track of all the characters and you have no earthly idea what's going on, but you just can't look away. Our scorecard shows that Terry had had an affair with French underwear model Vanessa Perroncel, who is his wife's best friend and the former girlfriend of fellow Chelsea defender Wayne Bridge. But now comes word that Perroncel may have been playing the field a little more literally than first thought. According to several sources, she has also slept with Chelsea players Adrian Mutu and Eidur Gudjohnsen, plus another "mystery player." (Handy chart here).

That "mystery player" part is a nice touch, and something that the Tiger Woods scandal is sorely lacking. If only one or two of his mistresses had worn masks.

Here's a tweet you never like to see: "Someone blew up my car today. Thanks again for ALL the messages and kind words. But, yea, I'm doin' OK and in the market for a new car. LOL. Gotta try to find some humor." Someone got all bomby with Glasgow Rangers and U.S. national team player DaMarcus Beasley's $80,000 6 Series BMW outside his home in Glasgow on Monday night. No one was injured, but Scotland Yard is on the lookout for a hooded man who smells of gasoline.

Actually I have no idea if Scotland Yard is involved, but I've always wanted to write that sentence.

I was going to try and dig in to this whole John Terry sex scandal mess today, but then I realized that I'm not British, no matter how pasty I get from hours indoors at the computer. For this we need a real Brit, and luckily I've found one. James T. is the founding editor of the soccer bog Unprofessional Foul, who has moved here from England, where soccer is the stuff of legends. If he can't get to the bottom of this, no one can. I yield my remaining time in this post to him.

***
By James T.

The English have always been good at moral outrage, and the recent John Terry hysteria brought all of those messy feelings and moralistic op/ed columnists to the forefront in glorious fashion. The nation had cause to debate that most vital component of the whole scandal: its implications on the captaincy of the national soccer team.

In England, captains are lionized as much as politicians the world over. We expect from them a certain moral quality and fiber that we deem necessary for the job itself, and will willingly overlook the strength of their resume and qualifications; above all, a moral code akin to Richard the Lionheart, able to lead the masses into battle with a stiff upper lip, stoic expression, and fearless spirit (we'll overlook that Richard I, our Lionheart of lore, killed an awful lot of Jews and led a religious crusade that was, in retrospect, woefully misguided) is the easiest means to determine whether someone is right for the job. Conveniently, it's also the shallowest way to pick your leaders, but we don't like to think too hard about issues. Just tell me whether the guy is a Christian father of two with a trophy wife, white picket fence, and all will be fine.

And so the age of televised 3D sporting events dawns the way you always knew it would: at a pub in Cardiff, Wales. Britain's Sky TV will present what they're calling the world's first live 3D TV sports broadcast -- a Premier League soccer match between Arsenal and Manchester United -- to nine pubs in the British Isles on Sunday. Unfortunately I cannot be at any of the locations, but I am sending my avatar.

Frankly I would have expected ESPN to be out in front with this technology, but the Brits will debut TV's version of the moon landing four-plus months before the Worldwide Leader, which rolls out its 3D sports channel on June 11 at the World Cup in South Africa. Which means that we'll have to wait until at least 2011 to see former Alabama lineman Terrence Cody and his 3D moobs.

We now take you to sunny Italy, where kids take their video games pretty seriously. In fact, one father in Rome tried to give his son some advice concerning his tactics on his Sony PlayStation soccer game, and the boy reacted as you thought he might: He went into the kitchen, retrieved a carving knife, and stabbed his father in the neck. The Reuters headline reads Italian teen stabs father in PlayStation row, but the headline in the Rome newspaper Corriere Della Serra, translated from the original Italian, is much better: They fight for the PlayStation, stabbed his father to throat. Subhead: "That's enough, I play alone."

His bodyguards can protect him from terrorist attacks, but apparently David Beckham is helpless to prevent random assault on his most vulnerable citizens -- his testicles. By now you may know that Beckham was grabbed in the nether region by a woman during an Italian TV interview on Thursday; he's on loan to AC Milan, and apparently they were just making sure they received the entire package. Anyway, the Italian station responsible for the prank has apologized.

Video following the jump.

Hey, it's round, it's white, it's in front of me ... I'm kicking it. Ow! It hurts just watching that, but wait until you see the rest of the photos from this match in the Irish Cup. (Warning: Includes nose picking). Elizabeth Lambert approves. It's all part of this complete breakfast called Monday Blogdome. Enjoy.

***
South America, you are on the clock. In the misleadingly-named-to-me-because-I-am-American Irish Cup, the top-flight side Newry City hosted second-tier Larne in the fifth round. Match details are harder to come by than police reports on this match, but the best I can piece together is that Newry took the lead, Larne equalized and the Newry scored again somewhere around the 75th minute. Then, as we'll see below in the pictures, it kicked off with a red card to Larne's captain Liam Hogan in the 80th minute. Larne's manager was sent off a couple of minutes later, and the brawl was on. [Unprofessional Foul]

Well, you'd like to attend the World Cup in South Africa this June, but how do you protect your vital inner body parts from stabs, cuts, slashes and blows from sharp, edged or spiked weapons? It's a real dilemma. But now the answer is here! A Johannesburg company is marketing something called the Protektorvest; anti-stab body armor that can be decorated with your favorite team's national flag, or symbol of your choice. Design yours here.

Our PROTEKTORVEST offers effective protection from potential attacks from blades, knives, bottles and broken glass and turns your stab vest into a special and exclusive fan article.

Video demo following the jump.

This couldn't have come at a worse time for the nation of Angola, which is struggling to reinvent itself after years of bloody civil war. As the nation gears up to play host to the African Cup of Nations soccer tournament beginning on Saturday, news comes that the Togo national team bus was machine-gunned by Angolan rebels on the Congolese border. There are conflicting reports on casualties: Eurosport reports that three players and the bus driver were injured; while Reuters says that the driver was killed, and four others were injured, including two medics. Other reports have up to seven people injured.

This video of a German soccer goalie running behind a stadium advertising barrier to take a leak -- while the game is going on -- is pretty amusing. OK, not as amusing as this, but it'll do for a Thursday.

Well, hopefully this ref was working the game.

Video following the jump.